What Time is it ??

Two drunk friends were sitting in a bar.

First drunk: Do you know what time it is??

Second drunk: Sure..

First drunk: Thanks!!

911 Two Girls and a Boy

A boy calls 911

Boy: Hello? I need your help!!

911: What is it?

Boy: Two girls are fighting over me.

911: So, what is your emergency??

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

Behind the bush

A little boy was in church with his mother when he started feeling ill. 

Little boy: Mommy, can we leave now?

Mother: No

Little boy: Well, I think I have to throw up!!!

Mother: Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush

After about 60 seconds the little boy returned to his seat.
Mother: Did you throw up?

Little boy:  Yes

Mother: How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?

Little boy: I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'

The quickest way

A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked; 

Tourist: What is the quickest way to the lake?

Villager: (After thinking for a while, he asked the tourist) Are you walking or driving?

Tourist: I'm driving.

Villager: That is the quickest way!!!

Library and doughnut

A man entered a library and asked,

Man: Can I have a Coke and a doughnut ??

Librarian: I am sorry, but this is a library.

Man: (whispering) Oh sorry, Can I have a Coke and a doughnut??

Cat litter bag

A lady's car leaked motor oil on her cement driveway.

She tried to soak it up with a large bag of cat's litter.

The cat litter bag worked so well that she decided to buy one more to finish the job.

The store keeper  remembered her. So looking thoughtfully, he said,

"Lady , if that were my cat, I'd had put him outside!!!"

Woman and her Baby’s Diaper

Why did the woman only change her baby’s diaper once a month?

On the package it read "good for up to 15 pounds"

The Sun Of My Life

Boy: Would You Like To
         Be The Sun Of My Life ?

Girl : Awwww Yes !

Boy : Then Stay 9,995,887.6
          Miles Away From Me

Doctor and Good news

Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."

Patient: "Go with the good news first."

Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live."

Patient: "What?! How about the bad news?"

Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday.

Lawyer crying over wife's grave

Lawyer crying over wife's grave that said " A Lawyer's wife."

Friend: "Don't cry man."
Lawyer: "It's not that, they forgot to write my phone number on the tombstone." -D ~D

Why is your mother sitting so silently

Father: Why is your mother sitting so silently??

Son:  Nothing dad, she asked me for lipstick, I heard fevistick

Father: God bless you my son!!

Grand mother to nurse

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,

a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

A work station

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station...

Knock Knock. Whose there??

Knock Knock
.
Whose There??
.
I Am
.
I Am Who??
.
You don't who you are??

I don't have to say prayer

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When the little kid received his plate, he started eating right away.

His mother argued him,

Mom : wait until we say our prayer

Son : I don't have to

Mom : Of course you do, we say a prayer before eating at our house

Son : That's at our house but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook

Mom says call your dad with respect

Son: dad come here

Mom: son its your dad, call him with respect

son: dad come here with respect

Girl Friend's birthday gift

Girl Friend : Where Is My Birthday Gift??

Boy Friend : Can you see that Red Hot Ferrari on the other side of Road??

Girl Friend :(Extremely Happy)- Yes!

Boy Friend : I Bought Same Color Nail Polish For You :P :D

A Lawyer and his BMW

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. 
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

Lawyer: Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!


Officer: You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!

Officer: You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!

Lawyer: Oh my god. Where's my Rolex!

Do You Love Me??

Wife : How much do you love me??

Husband : Well, look at the stars and count them. That is how much I Love you.

Wife : But it's morning.

Husband : Exactly.

Interviewing a Young Woman

An executive was interviewing a young woman for a position in his company. He wanted to learn something about her personality, 

so he asked, "if you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"

She quickly responded, "The living one."