911 Two Girls and a Boy

A boy calls 911

Boy: Hello? I need your help!!

911: What is it?

Boy: Two girls are fighting over me.

911: So, what is your emergency??

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

Male and Female Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
around with a fly swatter.

Wife: What are you doing?

Husband: Hunting Flies.

Wife: Oh! Killing any?

Husband: Yep, 3 males and 2 females.

Wife: How can you tell which are female and which are male?

Husband: The 3 flies were on a beer can and the 2 flies were on the phone.

Behind the bush

A little boy was in church with his mother when he started feeling ill. 

Little boy: Mommy, can we leave now?

Mother: No

Little boy: Well, I think I have to throw up!!!

Mother: Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush

After about 60 seconds the little boy returned to his seat.
Mother: Did you throw up?

Little boy:  Yes

Mother: How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?

Little boy: I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'

The quickest way

A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked; 

Tourist: What is the quickest way to the lake?

Villager: (After thinking for a while, he asked the tourist) Are you walking or driving?

Tourist: I'm driving.

Villager: That is the quickest way!!!

Library and doughnut

A man entered a library and asked,

Man: Can I have a Coke and a doughnut ??

Librarian: I am sorry, but this is a library.

Man: (whispering) Oh sorry, Can I have a Coke and a doughnut??

Cat litter bag

A lady's car leaked motor oil on her cement driveway.

She tried to soak it up with a large bag of cat's litter.

The cat litter bag worked so well that she decided to buy one more to finish the job.

The store keeper  remembered her. So looking thoughtfully, he said,

"Lady , if that were my cat, I'd had put him outside!!!"

Woman and her Baby’s Diaper

Why did the woman only change her baby’s diaper once a month?

On the package it read "good for up to 15 pounds"