The man applied for a job with a chain food store.
Interviewer: What is your experience with groceries??
Man: Well, I am eating them all the time.
I am going to my Mother
A couple had a fight after which the wife started packing her belongings.
Husband: where are you packing to??
Wife: I'm going to my mother.
Husband started packing too.
Wife: where are you going?
Husband: I'm going to my mother.
Wife: what happens to the children then?
Husband: you're going to your mother, I'm going to my mother, and the children will also have to go to their mother!!
Traffic Court
A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor
traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after
endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
Young Man : What for ??
Judge : Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
Judge : That's all right. You don't have to pay now.
Young Man : I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
Young Man : What for ??
Judge : Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
Judge : That's all right. You don't have to pay now.
Young Man : I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words.
It's a Miracle
A bent-over old lady entered into a doctor's office.
Within minutes, she came out again but miraculously,
she was standing up as straight as could be.
A man in the waiting room who had been watching her said in amazement.
Man : My goodness, what did the doctor do to you?
Lady : He gave me a longer cane!
Within minutes, she came out again but miraculously,
she was standing up as straight as could be.
A man in the waiting room who had been watching her said in amazement.
Man : My goodness, what did the doctor do to you?
Lady : He gave me a longer cane!
What Time is it ??
Two drunk friends were sitting in a bar.
First drunk: Do you know what time it is??
Second drunk: Sure..
First drunk: Thanks!!
First drunk: Do you know what time it is??
Second drunk: Sure..
First drunk: Thanks!!
The Guardian Angel
A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further."
She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been.
She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again.
"Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past.
Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?"
Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"
She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been.
She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again.
"Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past.
Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?"
Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"
Grandpa make a Frog Sound
One day a little boy asked his grandpa
Little Boy: Grandpa make a frog sound
Grandpa: why??
Little Boy: Grandma says when you croak we are going to Hawaii
Little Boy: Grandpa make a frog sound
Grandpa: why??
Little Boy: Grandma says when you croak we are going to Hawaii
Boy and School Nurse
A boy walks into the school nurse's office.
Nurse: Why are you here??
Boy: I’m sick
Nurse: sick of what??
Boy: The teacher
Nurse: Why are you here??
Boy: I’m sick
Nurse: sick of what??
Boy: The teacher
Lady looking for Hospital
A lady was standing in the middle of a busy street.
She saw an Officer and asked
Lady: Officer, can you tell me how to get to the Hospital?
Officer: Just stand where you are!!!
She saw an Officer and asked
Lady: Officer, can you tell me how to get to the Hospital?
Officer: Just stand where you are!!!
911 Two Girls and a Boy
A boy calls 911
Boy: Hello? I need your help!!
911: What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me.
911: So, what is your emergency??
Boy: The ugly one is winning.
Boy: Hello? I need your help!!
911: What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me.
911: So, what is your emergency??
Boy: The ugly one is winning.
Male and Female Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
around with a fly swatter.
Wife: What are you doing?
Husband: Hunting Flies.
Wife: Oh! Killing any?
Husband: Yep, 3 males and 2 females.
Wife: How can you tell which are female and which are male?
Husband: The 3 flies were on a beer can and the 2 flies were on the phone.
around with a fly swatter.
Wife: What are you doing?
Husband: Hunting Flies.
Wife: Oh! Killing any?
Husband: Yep, 3 males and 2 females.
Wife: How can you tell which are female and which are male?
Husband: The 3 flies were on a beer can and the 2 flies were on the phone.
Behind the bush
A little boy was in church with his mother when he started feeling ill.
Little boy: Mommy, can we leave now?
Mother: No
Little boy: Well, I think I have to throw up!!!
Mother: Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush
After about 60 seconds the little boy returned to his seat.
Mother: Did you throw up?
Little boy: Yes
Mother: How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?
Little boy: I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'
Little boy: Mommy, can we leave now?
Mother: No
Little boy: Well, I think I have to throw up!!!
Mother: Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush
After about 60 seconds the little boy returned to his seat.
Mother: Did you throw up?
Little boy: Yes
Mother: How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?
Little boy: I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'
The quickest way
A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked;
Tourist: What is the quickest way to the lake?
Villager: (After thinking for a while, he asked the tourist) Are you walking or driving?
Tourist: I'm driving.
Villager: That is the quickest way!!!
Tourist: What is the quickest way to the lake?
Villager: (After thinking for a while, he asked the tourist) Are you walking or driving?
Tourist: I'm driving.
Villager: That is the quickest way!!!
Library and doughnut
A man entered a library and asked,
Man: Can I have a Coke and a doughnut ??
Librarian: I am sorry, but this is a library.
Man: (whispering) Oh sorry, Can I have a Coke and a doughnut??
Man: Can I have a Coke and a doughnut ??
Librarian: I am sorry, but this is a library.
Man: (whispering) Oh sorry, Can I have a Coke and a doughnut??
Cat litter bag
A lady's car leaked motor oil on her cement driveway.
She tried to soak it up with a large bag of cat's litter.
The cat litter bag worked so well that she decided to buy one more to finish the job.
The store keeper remembered her. So looking thoughtfully, he said,
"Lady , if that were my cat, I'd had put him outside!!!"
She tried to soak it up with a large bag of cat's litter.
The cat litter bag worked so well that she decided to buy one more to finish the job.
The store keeper remembered her. So looking thoughtfully, he said,
"Lady , if that were my cat, I'd had put him outside!!!"
Woman and her Baby’s Diaper
Why did the woman only change her baby’s diaper once a month?
On the package it read "good for up to 15 pounds"
On the package it read "good for up to 15 pounds"
The Sun Of My Life
Boy: Would You Like To
Be The Sun Of My Life ?
Girl : Awwww Yes !
Boy : Then Stay 9,995,887.6
Miles Away From Me
Be The Sun Of My Life ?
Girl : Awwww Yes !
Boy : Then Stay 9,995,887.6
Miles Away From Me
Doctor and Good news
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."
Patient: "Go with the good news first."
Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live."
Patient: "What?! How about the bad news?"
Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday.
Patient: "Go with the good news first."
Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live."
Patient: "What?! How about the bad news?"
Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday.
Lawyer crying over wife's grave
Lawyer crying over wife's grave that said " A Lawyer's wife."
Friend: "Don't cry man."
Lawyer: "It's not that, they forgot to write my phone number on the tombstone." -D ~D
Friend: "Don't cry man."
Lawyer: "It's not that, they forgot to write my phone number on the tombstone." -D ~D
Mr. Bean Jokes
Interviewer: Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Mr Bean: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.
*****
One tourist from U.S.A. asked Mr Bean:
Tourist: Any great man born in this village???
Mr Bean: no sir, only small Babies!!!
*****
While in a drug store
Mr. Bean: I’d like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn’t know the alphabet yet!!
****
Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean : Yesss!!! (Jumps in joy)
Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean : Yes of course,do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor : Then,why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean : Because that proves that I have a brain!
*****
Interviewer: what is your birth date?
Mr Bean: 13th October
Interviewer: Which year?
Mr Bean: EVERY YEAR
*****
Interviewer: just imagine you are on the 3rd floor,
it caught fire and how will you escape?
Mr Bean: its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!
*****
Interviewer: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Mr Bean: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE
*****
Interviewer: What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?
Mr Bean: All are born on government holidays...!!!
*****
After returning back from a foreign trip, Mr Bean asked his wife,
Mr Bean: Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Mr Bean: In Delhi a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?
*****
Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world?
Mr Bean: ZEBRA
Teacher: How?
Mr Bean: Because it is Black & White
*****
Interviewer: Do U know MS Office?
Mr Bean: If U give me the address I will go there sir.
****
MOM
Mr. Bean : (Crying) The doctor called, "Mom's dead".
Friend : Condolence,my friend.
After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend : What now?
Mr. Bean : My sister just called,her mom died too!
****
MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING
Colleague : Sorry I'm late.I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hours because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean : That is alright,me too.I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hours.
****
SPELLING LESSON
Mr. Bean's Son :
Dad,what is the spelling of 'successful' ...
Is it one 'c' or two 'c's?
Mr. Bean : Make it three 'c's to be sure!
****
MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you’ve just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
****
QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks!
****
Friend: how many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.
****
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)